Start together — separately
See where you match, and where you clash — before you try to talk it through again.
You answer separately. Nothing is shared unless you choose.
Private answers. Shared patterns. It only costs your time to start.
You do not have to start with the big conversation.
Start with your separate answers. Private. No therapist. No need to explain it all first.
Separately
You answer for yourself. Your partner answers for themselves. That makes it easier to be honest.
Raw answers stay private
You do not see each other’s answers. The report only shows patterns between you.
Patterns, not blame
SAMRUM does not look for who is right. It gives you a shared place to start the conversation.
An example
When one reaches for contact, and one reaches for calm
That is not necessarily a problem. But when the pattern repeats, both of you can end up feeling misunderstood.
Two good attempts. One pattern between you.
One of you may reach out to feel closer. The other may pull back to find calm. Both are trying to protect the relationship — but the signals clash.
What you do
You react from what feels safe to you.
What the other feels
It can land as distance, pressure, or lack of contact.
What you get
Understanding that one withdraws to find calm — not to push the other away.
Some of the 70+ patterns SAMRUM looks for
The example above is one of them. Maybe your everyday looks more like one of these. Which patterns emerge between you only shows once you've both answered.
If you're considering a therapist
Maybe you came here because something is hard to say out loud at home — or because you just looked into couples therapy.
Both are a healthy instinct. But some of what makes a difference happens before you sit across from a stranger — the moment you see the patterns between you together:
You stop arguing about who's right. When the pattern is there in black and white — "you pull away, I push, you pull away more" — suddenly there's no one to blame. There's a loop you're both part of. And it's hard to stay angry at a loop.
You get words before feelings take over. Most of it goes wrong in the first ten seconds of a conversation. With a shared language for what usually happens, you can name it — instead of just reacting. Being able to name a feeling makes it noticeably less explosive.
You start small — at your own pace. No appointment, no waiting list, no stranger in the room. You answer separately, when it suits you, and read the report together when you're ready. That small first step is often exactly what gets you started at all.
Some couples find they can take the conversation from here themselves. Others bring the report to a professional and can get to the heart of it faster. SAMRUM doesn't replace therapy — but it's rarely wasted to understand each other better first.
“We recognised ourselves in much of the report, including patterns we had already been working on in therapy. It was a good reminder.”
Questions we often get
How long does it take?
About 10 min per person. You can answer when it suits you.
What if my partner doesn't want to?
You can start with your own profile. It shows your communication style and the patterns you bring into the relationship — without your partner having to do anything.
What does it cost?
Answering the questions and seeing your own profile is completely free. The full shared relationship report costs €27 — and your first focus track together is always 100% free (normally €10).
Do we need to have problems to use SAMRUM?
No. Some people use it because something keeps repeating. Others just want a better language for everyday life together.
Start together — separately
Start together — separately
First you enter your names. You pick the message. You answer privately.
Free to sign up and answer. The relationship report costs €27. Your first focus track together is free.
Not ready to start yet?
Have a look at the pattern library — short, research-grounded descriptions of the patterns SAMRUM can make visible. Maybe you'll recognize one of them.
Explore the pattern library →