See the patterns in your family.
Each person takes their own private test. SAMRUM shows how your different tendencies meet in the relationships between you – partner, teenager, child or sibling – and what you can say or try. You can start alone and invite the others when you're ready.
Free profile · approx. 10 min · Adapted for adults, teenagers and children · Not therapy
Partners
Fairness sensitivity
PragmaticPrincipledDaily persistence
RelaxedPersistentNeed for structure
FlexibleStructured
The Score That Never Balances
Both Anne and Martin are tuned to fairness, and over busy weeks each of you can quietly start tracking who did what – the school pickup, the evening cleanup, the social arrangement that someone has to organize.
What you can try
Anne can name the specific thing without pulling in last week's list, and ask for what she wants going forward.
Same people. Different dynamics.
SAMRUM in under two minutes
What happens in the space between you?
An ordinary weekday evening. Four people with different needs. See how our reactions to each other can become patterns – and how we can begin to notice them together.
How it works
Everyone answers privately. You see the patterns, relationship by relationship.
- Question 12
When plans change at the last minute, I get uneasy or irritated.
- Strongly disagree
- Disagree
- Neither
- Agree
- Strongly agree
01Take your test
Around 80 statements about your everyday life. Adults, teenagers and children each get their own version.
Your profile
Anne
Need for structure
FlexibleStructuredCalm under pressure
Reacts quicklyStays calmRepair after conflict
Time to cool downQuick repair
02Get your profile
10 tendencies in everyday language. No types, no labels – and no AI in the calculation.
Invite to your family
Martin gets a link and takes his own test. You don't see his answers – he doesn't see yours.
Name
MartinRelationship to you
Partner03Invite one or more
The other person takes their own test – on their own phone, without seeing your answers.
- Report
Anne & Emma
Parent & teenager · 3 patterns
The Fairness Debate
- Fairness
- Boundaries
The Fairness Debate. Anne often notices whether tasks are distributed fairly, and Emma is very aware of whether things are fair. When a rule, chore, or consequence is set, the conversation tilts quickly into 'is this fair?' rather than 'how do we handle this?'
04See the report
One report about your relationship – or a family overview that brings all the relationships together in one report.
What a pattern looks like
This is what you get to see.
An excerpt from a report about a fictional family. The report was generated by SAMRUM, not written for the occasion.
Anne & Emma
Parent & teenager
Conflict patterns
The Fairness Debate
The Fairness Debate. Anne often notices whether tasks are distributed fairly, and Emma is very aware of whether things are fair. When a rule, chore, or consequence is set, the conversation tilts quickly into 'is this fair?' rather than 'how do we handle this?'
Trigger
Most often around chores, screen time limits, or consequences after a missed agreement – the moments where a rule meets reality. The trigger is rarely the rule itself; it's the perception that the rule lands unevenly, applies inconsistently, or hasn't been negotiated.
Escalation
Anne explains the reasoning. Emma counters with a specific example of where it doesn't add up. Anne hears the counter as resistance to the rule itself; Emma hears the explanation as not really listening. Both dig in, the conversation widens to other examples, and the original task fades into the background.
Repair
Anne can name the fairness concern out loud before defending the rule: 'I hear you that this feels uneven – let's look at it.' Emma can practice separating 'I disagree with this rule' from 'this rule is unfair' – both are valid, but they call for different conversations. Agreeing in calm moments on a few rules that won't be re-debated each time can take pressure off the day-to-day.
Trigger
Most often around chores, screen time limits, or consequences after a missed agreement – the moments where a rule meets reality. The trigger is rarely the rule itself; it's the perception that the rule lands unevenly, applies inconsistently, or hasn't been negotiated.
Escalation
Anne explains the reasoning. Emma counters with a specific example of where it doesn't add up. Anne hears the counter as resistance to the rule itself; Emma hears the explanation as not really listening. Both dig in, the conversation widens to other examples, and the original task fades into the background.
Repair
Anne can name the fairness concern out loud before defending the rule: 'I hear you that this feels uneven – let's look at it.' Emma can practice separating 'I disagree with this rule' from 'this rule is unfair' – both are valid, but they call for different conversations. Agreeing in calm moments on a few rules that won't be re-debated each time can take pressure off the day-to-day.
Things to say
Try saying: 'You're right that this feels uneven. Let's actually look at it together – not to argue, but to figure out what would feel fair.'
Try saying: 'I'm running low right now. Can we pause this for twenty minutes and come back to it? I want to do this conversation properly, and I can't from here.'
Try this
Try a one-week 'soft landing' after school. No questions about homework, plans, or chores for the first 60 minutes after Emma walks in. Notice whether dinner conversations shift in tone by the end of the week.
Try writing the three or four agreements that genuinely matter – homework, screen cutoff, weekend chore, one more – on a shared note. For one month, only those are non-negotiable; everything else is flexible. See whether the reduced fight-surface helps both of you.
Why it's different
Each person's own data, relationship by relationship.
- 01
Not a chatbot
A chatbot gets one person's version of the conflict and responds to it. Here, each person's own structured answers are compared. Nobody tells the story alone.
- 02
Not a type test
No label, no four letters. Ten continuous tendencies – and what matters isn't your score, but the distance to the other person in that particular relationship.
- 03
Not a couples app
The family as a system of relationships: partner, teenager, child, sibling. Age-differentiated tests and a privacy model that takes children seriously.
- 04
Not therapy
No therapist in the middle, no diagnosis. A precise starting point for your own conversation – before, between or instead of a course of treatment.
Method and AI
Calculation first. Language last.
The AI puts things into words and suggests next steps. It doesn't calculate, and it never sees your test answers – only calculated profiles and the patterns that have already been found.
- 01AI: No
Test
Each person answers privately. 8 statements per tendency.
- 02AI: No
Profile
10 tendencies are calculated deterministically.
- 03AI: No
Comparison
Profiles are compared in pairs: distance, direction, zones.
- 04AI: No
Patterns
Rule-based matching against a catalogue of professionally grounded patterns.
- 05AI: Yes
Wording
AI puts the matches into everyday language and suggests what to say or try – within locked boundaries.
Research-grounded in the Big Five and the Interpersonal Circumplex. Not a validated psychometric test – read what that means.
Read the methodologyPrivacy
Three things that are not up for negotiation.
Nobody sees anyone else's test answers. That includes parents – they can't see their children's.
The AI never gets your raw test answers. It works with calculated profiles, identified patterns and the context needed to write the text.
Nothing is sold, and our AI providers don't train on your data.
For you
Start where it weighs most.
Partners
“We argue about the same thing over and over.”
You see the 2–4 patterns you keep landing in – and get a first sentence for the conversation you've been putting off.
PartnersParent & teenager
“Everything turns into an argument – or a closed door.”
You see what happens between you when the argument locks up – and what each of you can say before the door closes.
Parent & teenagerParent & child
“Mornings and evenings tip over, and we don't know why.”
Your child takes their own test, which you never see. You get words for what happens in the mornings and at bedtime.
Parent & childSiblings
“They can't be in the same room for five minutes.”
You see where they're alike and where they collide – and what you as adults can do differently next time.
SiblingsThe whole family
“It isn't one of us. It's something between us.”
One overview of every relationship, so you can see where the friction actually sits – and talk about it as something between you.
The whole family- Want to start with yourself?
The family overview
One report about the whole family.
Once three or more have taken the test, you can buy a family overview: one combined report that looks at all the relationships at once – where everyday friction sits, which patterns recur across relationships, and what holds you together. It's a bird's-eye view: the relationship reports go deeper into each relationship, the overview shows how they connect.
- A family portrait in everyday language
- Where the tensions sit – and where they don't
- Patterns across the relationships
- Strengths and concrete experiments for the whole family
The same person can function completely differently with their partner, their teenager and their youngest child. That's why SAMRUM looks at the relationships, not just the people.
Family overview
Anne, Martin, Emma & Lucas
Family portrait
You are a family of four where feelings run close to the surface for three of you, and Martin's steadier tempo sits underneath as a kind of quiet baseline.
Where the tensions sit
Mornings before school. Transitions and time pressure mean the hour before leaving is one of the most loaded windows in the week. Small snags – a missing shoe, a slow breakfast – can grow fast.
Patterns across · 5
- Anne + Martin · The Score That Never Balances
- Anne + Lucas · Stress Escalation
- Martin + Emma · The Fairness Debate
- Anne + Emma · Quick Escalation
- Emma + Lucas · Sibling Escalation Loop
From users
“I suddenly understand much better why I can feel alone in my family when I see our different social needs - and now we have words to talk about it.”
– Married woman and mother of two teenagers
“I can understand myself better and be kinder to myself when I see that my need for change is high, but my social need is low. I want to do all kinds of things, but I don't have the energy for it.”
– Girl, 15
“We recognised ourselves in much of the report, including patterns we had already been working on in therapy. It was a good reminder.”
– Couple in their 40s
From users, reproduced with permission
Questions
What people ask before they try.
What is SAMRUM?
A structured conversation tool for families, built on each person's own test. Each person answers privately, and SAMRUM shows how your tendencies meet in each relationship – partner, teenager, child or sibling – and which recurring patterns the differences create.
What do I actually do?
You create a profile and respond to around 80 statements about your everyday life. It takes about 10 minutes, and you get your profile straight away – free.
What does the other person do?
The same as you – on their own phone, with their own version of the test. Neither of you sees the other's answers. You invite them with a link when you're ready.
What do we get out of it?
One report per relationship: where your tendencies sit close, where they pull in opposite directions, which patterns that typically creates, and what you can concretely say or try. See a full example before you decide.
How can SAMRUM know anything about our relationship?
It doesn't – it calculates. Both profiles are compared tendency by tendency, and the distances are matched against a catalogue of professionally described patterns. If your differences are small, the report is shorter. It doesn't invent patterns to fill space.
What is the AI used for?
For wording and suggestions. The AI gets the calculated profiles and the patterns that have already been found, writes them out in everyday language and suggests what you can say or try – within locked boundaries. It doesn't score, doesn't diagnose and doesn't decide who's right.
Is it serious – or AI-generated advice?
The patterns are found with fixed rules before the AI writes – and the AI may only put things into words within locked boundaries. The method, the professional grounding and the limitations are openly described on the methodology page.
What is the professional basis?
The tendencies build on the Big Five and the Interpersonal Circumplex, and the patterns on established relationship research (e.g. demand–withdraw). SAMRUM's own test is not externally validated – we say so ourselves, and we explain what that means.
Can others see my answers?
No. Nobody sees anyone else's test answers – not even parents their children's. The reports describe the patterns between you, not what each of you answered.
Is it therapy?
No. There's no therapist in the middle and no diagnosis. SAMRUM is a starting point for your own conversation – and can be used before, between or instead of a course of treatment.
Is it free to try?
Yes. The test and your profile are free. Relationship reports are bought individually – no subscription.
What does it require of me right now?
An email address, about 10 minutes and honest answers. You don't need to have the other person on board from the start.
Pricing
Free to start. Pay only for what you want to read.
No subscription. No automatic renewal.
Your profile
Free
The test and your 10 tendencies.
Relationship report
from €52.99
Couple, parent & child or siblings. One report per relationship.
Family overview
€66.99
One combined report about all the relationships.
Take your test – free.
Invite your partner, your teenager or your child when you're ready.
Written by Thomas Silkjær, founder of SAMRUMLast updated