When your teenager won't talk, gives short answers or withdraws, it's rarely just defiance. It can be a pattern between you: you push for contact, the teenager seeks space, and you end up in the same place again. SAMRUM gives you a shared language for conflict, distance and independence – without anyone seeing each other's answers.
It starts with a "come on." Ends with a slammed door. You both know it's not really about what you're arguing about – but what is it about?
They say nothing. You don't know if they're sad, angry, or just don't care. And they won't say anything until it explodes again.
Sometimes they're open and talkative. Other times they shut down completely. You can't find the pattern, and it makes it hard to know what to do.
What you get
Your teenager takes a version of the test written for young people and gets their own private profile. The report describes the patterns between you – not what is wrong with either of you.
Parent–child report
Anne & Emma
The Fairness Debate. Anne often notices whether tasks are distributed fairly, and Emma is very aware of whether things are fair. When a rule, chore, or consequence is set, the conversation tilts quickly into 'is this fair?' rather than 'how do we handle this?'
Trigger
Most often around chores, screen time limits, or consequences after a missed agreement – the moments where a rule meets reality. The trigger is rarely the rule itself; it's the perception that the rule lands unevenly, applies inconsistently, or hasn't been negotiated.
Escalation
Anne explains the reasoning. Emma counters with a specific example of where it doesn't add up. Anne hears the counter as resistance to the rule itself; Emma hears the explanation as not really listening. Both dig in, the conversation widens to other examples, and the original task fades into the background.
Repair
Anne can name the fairness concern out loud before defending the rule: 'I hear you that this feels uneven – let's look at it.' Emma can practice separating 'I disagree with this rule' from 'this rule is unfair' – both are valid, but they call for different conversations. Agreeing in calm moments on a few rules that won't be re-debated each time can take pressure off the day-to-day.
Trigger
Most often around chores, screen time limits, or consequences after a missed agreement – the moments where a rule meets reality. The trigger is rarely the rule itself; it's the perception that the rule lands unevenly, applies inconsistently, or hasn't been negotiated.
Escalation
Anne explains the reasoning. Emma counters with a specific example of where it doesn't add up. Anne hears the counter as resistance to the rule itself; Emma hears the explanation as not really listening. Both dig in, the conversation widens to other examples, and the original task fades into the background.
Repair
Anne can name the fairness concern out loud before defending the rule: 'I hear you that this feels uneven – let's look at it.' Emma can practice separating 'I disagree with this rule' from 'this rule is unfair' – both are valid, but they call for different conversations. Agreeing in calm moments on a few rules that won't be re-debated each time can take pressure off the day-to-day.
Patterns
Four patterns that often appear in parent–teen reports. None of them is about a “difficult teenager” – they are about interplay.
Teenagers need to develop independence. Can create an entrenched struggle if parent experiences it as rejection.
Research term: Autonomy development (social-cognitive domain theory)
Parent and teen have opposite needs for contact. The parent typically seeks more direct conversation, while the teenager withdraws. The more the conversation is pushed, the less voluntary sharing may happen.
Research term: Disclosure > solicitation (communication gap)
When both teen and parent react quickly and intensely, and at least one struggles to stay calm, small disagreements escalate fast.
Research term: Negative reciprocity / escalation
Parent seeks closeness, teen pulls away. Parent experiences it as rejection, teen experiences it as invasion of their independence.
Research term: Pursue–Withdraw (parent–teen)
The report is generated from your test answers and describes where you connect best, where friction builds up, the conflict loops you typically get into, what the parent can say to soften things, and the developmental context for this age. A 5-6 minute audio summary ties it together.
Teenagers are in the middle of a developmental job: becoming someone who isn't defined by their parents. Pulling back is one way to try that out – not a rejection. The brain is also under reconstruction, and social conversations with adults take more energy than they did two years ago.
According to Laurence Steinberg (Age of Opportunity, 2014), the brain's prefrontal cortex – central to impulse control and weighing consequences – continues developing into the mid-20s, which shapes how teenagers navigate conflict.
Most teen friction is developmental and fades on its own. A few signs should be taken seriously: sustained isolation from friends (not just from you), marked sleep or eating changes, school absence that doesn't stop, or talk of self-harm. If any of these lasts more than a couple of weeks without improving, it's time to reach out.
Big conversations rarely work best face to face at the dinner table. Teenagers open up most often in motion – in the car, on a walk, while the dishwasher runs. Start small, use what-questions instead of why-questions, and let silence be silence. The answer might come two days later.
The test gives the teenager their own profile across 10 personality traits in everyday language – not types, no labels. A report between parent and teenager shows patterns between you: where you resemble each other, where friction typically arises, and what might be worth trying differently. Raw answers are never shown.
SAMRUM is a conversation tool, not treatment. When conflicts shake everyday life for several weeks, when the teenager withdraws from everyone, when there's talk of self-harm, anxiety that takes over, or school absence that grows – it's time for a professional. Start with the family doctor, PPR (municipal services) or the family department.
Family therapy is a structured process with a professional across several sessions – typically when something is seriously pressing on the family. SAMRUM is a conversation tool you can use before therapy, between sessions, or when therapy feels like too big a step. You read your own report and talk from there; no professional is in the room.
Start with yourself. Your own profile and individual report already give language for what you bring into the relationship. Teenagers often get curious when they see a parent take something seriously without pressure. Many ask about the test a few weeks later – others never join, and the report is still useful.
How it works
Take your test first. Then you know what you are inviting them to – and your teenager can see that you go first.
Teenagers aged 13 and up get their own account and a test written for them. Their answers are private – also from you.
Once both have answered, you can buy the report. It is written so both of you can read it without anyone being singled out.
Is your child under 13? Then it's the parent–child report on the page about children you need.
Honestly
SAMRUM is not a tool to “get the teenager to open up”, and it cannot replace help if your teenager is struggling, withdrawing or showing signs of anxiety or depression. Then you should talk to the school, your doctor or a psychologist. In the meantime, the report can give you words for everyday life.
The whole family
More children, or do you and your partner want to look at your own interplay? All relationships live on the same account – and the family overview brings them together.
No. All test answers are private. No one in the family can see each other's answers – not even in the report. The report describes patterns between you, never what anyone answered individually.
It's completely voluntary. The test works best when everyone participates willingly. Try explaining that it's not about finding faults – but about understanding each other better. Many teenagers get curious when they learn it's private.
The test has no right or wrong answers – it measures preferences and reaction patterns. There's nothing to gain from answering strategically, and most teenagers answer honestly when they know their answers are private.
Yes. Teenagers (13-17) get their own version with questions adapted to their age and daily life. It's not an adult test in disguise – the questions deal with situations teenagers actually face.
The report doesn't point fingers. It describes patterns and suggests things you can try. It's a starting point for conversation – and often the best conversations start where something surprises or challenges you.
Yes. Most families don't have major conflicts – just patterns that wear you down over time. The report can reveal dynamics you weren't aware of and give you a shared language before things turn into conflicts.
The standard test has 60 questions for teenagers and takes about 8-10 minutes. There's also an extended version with more questions. You can pause and continue later – answers are saved automatically.
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