Pattern library
The recurring dynamics between people — named, explained and grounded.
A pattern is not a person. It's what happens between two people when their reactions echo each other — usually as a loop, where one person's move triggers the other's, and vice versa. Here we collect the dynamics that most often show up in couples, between parent and teenager, and between siblings.
SAMRUM describes dynamics and tendencies, not types. You are not a pattern — you can have one, and you can influence it.
Written and reviewed by Thomas Silkjær, founder of SAMRUMLast updated
Patterns
This is a selection. In a SAMRUM report we look for more than 60 patterns in your relationships — here we've gathered some of the most recognizable ones.
Pursue-Withdraw
One reaches out more for conversation and contact, the other more often holds back first. Both reactions reinforce each other.
Read the pattern →DynamicUnequal Load
One partner sticks with daily tasks longer, the other lets go more quickly. This can create resentment in the more persistent one and guilt in the other.
Read the pattern →DynamicQuick Escalation
When both teen and parent react quickly and intensely, and at least one struggles to stay calm, small disagreements escalate fast.
Read the pattern →DynamicFairness Battle
Siblings with a high fairness filter often notice whether things feel 'fair'.
Read the pattern →DynamicFrozen Conflict
When no one initiates repair, conflicts can 'freeze' and leave unresolved tensions.
Read the pattern →StrengthYou find your way back to each other
Both partners are active in repairing after disagreement. It's not that you never fight – it's that you both reach out afterwards. That gives the relationship somewhere to land, even after a hard conversation.
Read the pattern →DynamicCloseness Withdrawal
Parent seeks closeness, teen pulls away. Parent experiences it as rejection, teen experiences it as invasion of their independence.
Read the pattern →DynamicBlended Family Roles
In blended families, roles often need time to settle. The biological parent usually stands more naturally in authority, while the stepparent can more easily end up at the edge of the relationship (Papernow).
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